Most men are fixers in one way or another. A wise man will listen to or assess a problem and then give his advice on how to fix it. Particularly so if you're involved in a trade.
When you call an electrician he is there to find out what is wrong and fix it. Plumbers, roofers, carpenters do the same. Even white collar workers assess the situation and then formulate a solution.
This is what we do as men, we come from the factory that way. After all, if your spouse comes to you with a problem what do we automatically think? She wants my help to fix this, right? As men our default setting is fix it.
If you are a father and your child comes to you with a problem as daddy's we do what? Fix it.
I know as a believer your default setting is to help in some way, right? But for the most part I think many, if not all, want to help or fix it. In our new class, "God's Blueprint for Marriage," I teach that one of the problems we encounter in a relationship is trying to meet our spouse's needs in light of our needs. In other words, if I like it then surely she will like it. I also taught you that nothing could be further from the truth.
I was reading a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages. Dr. Chapman is a relationship counselor and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. He also has a radio program on marriage and relationships that airs on over 400 stations and can be heard via the internet. He is a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute and holds a B.A. and an M.A. in anthropology from Wheaton College and from Wake Forest University. He also received his Master of Religious Education and (Ph.D.) from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is recognized nationally and internationally as a trusted intellectual Biblical teacher and relationship expert.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, on page 61, Dr. Chapman recalls meeting a man named Patrick in one of his counseling session.
Patrick lamented to Dr. Chapman on their first meeting with great emotion on how much of a fool he was. He had recently come to this conclusion after his wife of 17 years left him.
Dr. Chapman then asked Patrick why he felt that way. Patrick went on to explain to Dr. Chapman his dilemma.
It seemed that Patrick's wife would come home and complain to him about her job. He would listen attentively until he heard enough to gather enough information to formulate a solution to her problem. He would then tell his wife what she needed to do to fix the problem. After all men are fixers and this seemed like the reasonable thing to do.
He offered his advice and supplied her with the answer. He'd tell her things like you need to talk to your boss and get him involved. Problems don't just generally go away you have to learn how to deal with things. Although his advice was sound she never acted on it.
Day after day she would come home from work and complain to Patrick. He would ask her if she did what he told her to do. Her answer was no and she would keep talking. After several days of the same routine Patrick finally got angry and told his wife that if she was not going to listen to his advice and do what he said he didn't want to hear her complain anymore.
He refused to listen and would withdraw from her. What Patrick was about to learn was that she never wanted his advice she just wanted him to listen. She wanted his attention, she'd want him to let her know that he understood the hurt and stress she was going through. She just needed him to understand. But Patrick never tried to understand; he was too busy giving his advice on how to fix it. Patrick was not focusing on listening but on speaking. He only listened long enough to hear the problem and formulate a solution.
ASV 1 Corinthians 13:1 1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.2And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
Gentlemen, just because you know the answer doesn't mean she is asking for an answer. Here we see you can have all knowledge and without love you are nothing. Now I know that goes against everything you feel and know in your experience but don't try to meet her needs in light of your preferences.
Knowledge isn't all it's puffed up to be. Knowledge without love can be destructive.
NIV 1 Corinthians 8:1b… We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.
Perhaps your spouse is looking for understanding, compassion and reassurance. Maybe she just wants to know you are there for her to support and comfort her. Contrary to your way of thinking, not every problem can be solved appropriately.
If she has a demanding week at work you can't just tell her to up and quit. Especially if you need her income to pay for some of the bills. Maybe she is just venting. She is not looking for a solution, she is looking for someone to listen to her and is just blowing off steam. Maybe it's just a 3 week project and then all will be well, but in the mean time she just needs you to help her get through it. She needs to know that you understand and that you are there for her.
As men sometimes we are real good at coming up with solutions for our women, irrespective of the costs that follow.
KJG Proverbs 10:14 Wise men lay up knowledge: but the mouth of the foolish is near destruction.
You don't always need to give your advice. Sometimes people just need to talk and when they are done they may simply say, "thanks for listening, I feel much better now."
NLT Proverbs 13:16 Wise people think before they act; fools don't and even brag about it!
Is she looking for my advice or is she just venting? If you don't know, guess what you can do in a loving, non-sarcastic way? Ask. Wise people think. You see, you can have all the answers, however, unless you walk in wisdom your knowledge can become self-serving and destructive.
Such was the case in the church at Corinth. God had Paul instruct the older believers on splitting hairs over meats with immature believers.
NLT 1 Corinthians 8:11 So because of your superior knowledge, a weak Christian, for whom Christ died, will be destroyed.BBE Isaiah 5:21 Cursed are those who seem wise to themselves, and who take pride in their knowledge!
The Bible talks about a word fitly spoken.
NIV Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut and just listen. Research has shown that the average male will not listen for more than 17 seconds before he will interrupt.
NIV 1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.
This is the key, just learn how to walk in love.
In closing I will leave you with 6 keys that will help you next time you get a chance to minister to your spouse.
1. Look her in the eye and let her know she has your undivided attention.
2. Don't listen and do something else. If you can ask her to give you 10 minutes to finish what you are doing so you can give her your undivided attention.
3. Listen for feelings and clarify those feelings. "You're disappointed because I forgot our anniversary."
4. Observe body language: tears, clenched fist, trembling hands ask make sure you know the feeling.
5. Refuse to interrupt.
6. Learn to talk, not defend your position or fling accusations back. Just talk and learn to listen.
The next time your spouse or a love one comes to you with a problem take the time to carefully and attentively listen.
Remember to be kind, tenderhearted, patient and compassionate.
Ask questions to clarify and minister to her needs with the love of Christ.
Reassure her and let her know you're in it for the long haul and pray together.ÿ